About Karma
The Early Years & The Grind
I am a 64-year-old transgender nonbinary femme, and for most of my life, my default state has been survival. I have been looking after myself since I was a teenager, working full-time since the age of 16. In fact, I left school to take my first job: writing COBOL code for a local Vancouver business to connect two of their locations.
For decades, the years simply grinded on. I plodded along as a faithful worker for whomever would employ me, keeping my head down and pushing forward.
Physical Toll & A Frozen State
Although I tried to stay as active as I could, severe physical issues began manifesting in my late teens. I developed terrible pain in my hips that my doctor simply could not identify, and was unable to help me with. "Stretch more... Exercise regularly... Get a massage..." All of those things made my physical issues worse. I suffered horribly for decades, unable to sleep for more than four or five hours a night. To say that I gave up hope many times is a completely accurate description.
It wasn't until recently that I realized most people can actively identify the emotions they are feeling. I never had that. My life was entirely consumed by workâno friends, no personal life, no family, and absolutely no emotional context to anything I experienced. It is a strange existence to not know what happiness or joy feels like. I now believe I was clinically depressed, but at the time, even feeling depression would have been a step up from the total numbness I lived in.
An Awakening
Everything shifted after I underwent transition surgery. About a month later, I started feeling... strange. I was incredibly upbeat. I thought at first that I might be experiencing mania. Was this what it meant to be "happy"? Even now, at 64, I am still learning how to identify and navigate my own emotions.
But for the first time, I am looking forward. I have occupational therapy planned, along with roDBT (Radically Open Dialectical Behavior Therapy) and counseling. I am doing the work to thaw this frozen state. I am finally evolving toward a much better way to live: leaving survival mode behind for a life filled with joy and hope.